He died at the age of 80. vonsudenfed and everyoneAbout the depression - Mum had an underactive thyroid, undiagnosed for years because of her aversion to doctors. Her demential is getting worse but she is not incontinent. Thanks Basil.You're right, me and my sister need to start getting more pushy.I spoke to her GP today because of her incontinence and he went to see her, but she's already forgotten what he saidIf I had a spare room, I'd have her move in with me, she's just becoming a spoilt child now, and the thought of her going into a home is unthinkable to me.She needs to be re-assessed, as she's gradually getting worse.I'm glad I found this thread, I usually come on MN for a laugh, but it's good to speak to people who get it. Believe that this is not the right time to be sick. Maybe we could support each other. This is likely to be to do with the quality of relationships and the type of approach. He is a very patient person (fortunately!) Thanks canyou My mum has a cleaner once a week, who seems to go over and above what she should do, to the extent that mum is treating her like a carer.I'm so glad I've found this topic, I don't feel so alone anymore. infection and diabetes and improper diet.Chat to your brothers and see what they think. You think your parent is showing signs of dementia. I was working full time, with young ds and going round nearly every day.Db and I started arguing about who was doning the most/doing the next thing. It's very sad your mother has been ill for so long, I think dementia is such a horrible disease, the way it strips away the very being of a person. To read this sounds awful, but I know exactly how you feel, and the ONLY way to survive is to be assertive. They were married for nearly 60 years and were very happy. I'm trying not to feel guilty about that. The worst thing you can do is try to convince To get my MiL some help my DH wrote to Mil's GP outlining her problems and suggesting that he called her in on some pretext. She has a swelling on her face, which we think is a dental abscess - it must be painful, but she won't admit it. Social isolationthe elder and caregiver are alone together almost all the time. She doesn't even really see herself as his carer so won't even contemplate applying for a carer's allowance, even though she never lets him out of her sight and even accompanies him to the loo during the night in case he gets lost.I think if your mum realised just how worried you all are about the situation, maybe that would jolt her into seeking medical help?I have two sisters who live very close to my parents, I'm about two and a half hours drive away so I too am pretty limited in what I can do to help them on a practical level and feel so utterly useless. We took her and managed to stay in the room while he went through a few things. It's vile, you feel powerless, want them not to be miserable, and it's impossible. Dd is just twelve so I've been to see my Mum on my own. As soon as i finish work i'm round to hers & then back home to start at my home fall into bed & start all over the next day, day in day out.I dread Xmas,family b.days,weddings etc-they all go by in a blur as she refuses to attend any of them & i end up addled to bits wondering if she's safe etc as i'm not with her. Create an account to join the conversation, Have your say, get notified on what matters to you and see fewer ads, This is page 1 of 2 (This thread has 32 messages.). You dont have to be a doctor, anyone can file a report. I think our tendency is to want to put something in place and have it all neatly organised but life never complies with the plans. You are the Guardian. i'm 2 hours drive away.a fecking nightmare.thankfully..though i didn't think so at first..she's in hospital with pneumonia. It is swollen and painful. (One is a patch and they put it on her back where she can't reach - although it's not strictly necessary for it to go there).When she stopped answering the door to carers we had a keysafe fitted. She has been in a psycho geriatric unit for the last 6 years and hasn't recogned me in the last 5. Whitecloud, I dont have any experience of this but I would imagine the best course of action would be to speak to her GP and see if they would do a home visit ?She needs caring for and it simply is not possible for you to do as much as you want. Recruit Outsiders Early "Sometimes it's easier for a parent to talk to a professional rather than a family member," says Cohen. Fortunately a carer arrived and took control of the situation. This is one of them. Before he was ill he would go and get his own shopping by walking 20 mins with his trolley. Didn't need to ask anyone and didn't ask her. One of the most difficult things for an adult to go through is to watch their aging parents get to a point where they can no longer take care of themselves. Nurse was looking to upgrade and noticed that doctor She was forever 'painting' my bro and I as neglectful children because we moved away from home, something she never forgave me for.When my dd was 6 weeks old I drove for 10 hours to see them (I was living in scotland at the time and dh was on exercise), all she did was moan about how little she'd seen of the baby..and I'd had a section!When the demetia started all these thing just got worse and worse. A Geriatricians Take on Elders Who Refuse to Go to the Doctor. I am reconciled to this being the new norm, but she has a great deal of stuff in our garage. Reasons People Refuse to See a Doctor . Tips For Getting Unsafe Elderly Drivers Off The Road. Work with a specialist to help your parent come up with a plan. That does help too.Has anyone else had this kind of experience? If you have consent, you can speak about a friend or relative's health with their GP. It's so hard isn't it?My mum would say she is fine too and wants to go home. My second brother keeps travelling up from Devon to see her. Not sure for how long because I don't want to leave dd too long. Maybe if she realised just how worried you and your brothers are, she might agree to go the GP or dentist?My mum looks after my step-father (he has some form of dementia, but she refuses to accept that it is dementia and keeps quoting the GP's diagnosis of 'cell degeneration' which was given about five years ago) Their lives have dwindled to almost nothing now, he's had to give up driving, can't tell the time or turn the TV on by himself etc. plus brought me and my sister up. In other words, elders have the right to be unsafe, messy, underfed and other things they choose, for a time, anyway. Find out what testers thought of Surcare sensitive range, Read what Mumsnet users thought of NatWest's Island Saver game, Read what Mumsnet users thought of The Nue Co.'s BARRIER CULTURE range, Affected by Dementia? My mum would say she is fine too and wants to go home. Do you think there are underlying reasons for your mum's depression, or is it grief alone? Okay so what is a parent to do then when their five year old refuses to get dressed and go to daycare when the parent has to go to work? Any advice greatly appreciated please. Read our client's story to learn how professional indemnity insurance helped in such a case. He refuses to go to the doctors and it's taking its toll on his wife and family. Mom died in 1999 and my brother took over my fathers affairs. They live alone, rarely answer the phone or doorbell, the house smells like urine, and theyre wearing the same filthy clothes every time you see them. They don't know her, I do.Meanwhile, I'm glad she's in hospital, at least I know she's having three meals a day, she's clean and at the moment is on a cathater, and she'll be taking her medication. People may refuse help from some care staff but not others. Thanks for e-mails and support. thinking about you.It is hard and you do have to be firm.Look after yourself.I've been gettting my mum M&S meals for one which she is really enjoying-v easy and quick.We found a good carer who has been brilliant- showers her and sees what she needs.it is possible.You can't do it all-help is there.Age UK also are good.Good luck but keep coming back. The feeling of helplessness is the worst. Talk with siblings/family first. She's losing her vision and I'm no doctor by any stretch but to me she's also showing signs of mild dementia, her memory is terrible for things that happen that day or that minute but she can tell you things that happened 40 or 50 years ago like they happened yesterday. Learn what to do you face a client dispute. Many adult children of aging parents get worried about a parent's health. However, aging does not have to be straining and difficult for both parties. We don't know what to do as multiple times we have told his gp and they have said he needs to go himself. On a fairly regular basis I am asked by a divorced parent how old their child must be before they can choose which parent they want to live with. I am a teacher and all my hoildays were taken up with hospital/doctors appointments to the detriment of my ds. She wasn't doing washing or cooking (I used to wash her stuff and cook for her and put in freezer with instructions stuck on) but now carers do this and she pays for it. At least we know that she is checked up upon twice a day. However she also thinks I am having an affair with a guy in the IRA and my dad is having an affair with a 17 year old!Is your mum showing any signs of confusion?The time in hospital will give the doctors time to really assess her capabilities and the level of care she will need. I talked with an attorney about a conservatorship but he said until she shows signs of harming herself there is nothing we can do. My research shows that his disability retirement in 1978 resulted from his doctors opinion. Mum has finally been persuaded to go to the doctor, but now has to go to hospital to have her mouth examined. Whole Body. The other wildly infuriating thing that my mother would do was to refuse any help that my brother or I would offer her. He feared she was going to cut him out of her will and deprive him of a $5.2m inheritance. Can they insist she accepts help?I'm going in tomorrow and will try to speak to the hospital social worker, and find out about POA (thank you Agent).Fish, I don't know why I feel that, I just think if she had the correct care at home, she would be better off. This is a small community and I wonder if his medical records have been passed on to the doctor that treated him until his death. I feel awful saying this but in some ways my life was on hold with caring for the Grandmothers and while I would do it all over again without hesitation I find myself getting stressed and physically sick at the thought of doing it all over again for my parents and mil. She bacame quite paranoid about money , was convinced that dbro was stealing from her (he wasn't). My elderly mothers case reminded me of a story I heard from my parents about a woman who had a total hip replacement due to a fracture. How to Convince a Parent to Go to Assisted Living. If you have an aging parent who wont go see a doctor of any kind, period, you have to realize that, when you were a child and you were ill, your parent would have done everything in their power to make you better. CASCAIDr stands for the Centre for Adults Social Care Advice, Information and Dispute Resolution CASCAIDr works tirelessly for the furtherance of fairness and legal principle, in adults health and social care services. The strain and worry on us all is really beginning to tell. ), Caring for elderly relatives? Concerns have been expressed about the standard of nutrition which elderly patients have received in hospital. Have read other threads and realise how hard this is to do.I was also talking to someone and they said I should think about what my Mum was like when younger - she would have been horrified at the effect she is having on the family and it is the illness that is really in charge. Is your mum showing any signs of confusion? Want to support everyone else and her. I was working full time, with young ds and going round nearly every day.Db and I started arguing about who was doning the most/doing the next thing. fab sister on the ward has been incredibly helpful and will not let her go home until they have arranged regular home help for her. (I am safe, for now, as 70 miles away with toddler).whitecloud - I esp understand your problem as my mother has had bad depression for years, is letting the house fall down, doesn't go out, and I have tried any number of things, none of which have helped that much. After 5 minutes with my mother, I was totally horrified when the doctor offered sometimes elderly people have had enough of life and refuse to eat and we should let nature take its course. Is my mother within her rights to refuse to go to the hospital or can the paramedics force her to go if best judgement is applied. But you need to think deep within yourself whether the reason why you dont want your mother living in a nursing home has more to do with you and your own emotions, rather than what is actually best for your mum.At some point you need to face that fact that this is life, and this is how it goes. This is a small box just outside her home with a numerical code to open it. I don't have time to write much now, but am just signing in so I don't lose this thread. But it is getting harder to cope with seeing her so ill. I am a teacher and all my hoildays were taken up with hospital/doctors appointments to the detriment of my ds. One thing I have grown to understand from seeing people experience such events is that it's virtually impossible to plan anything. Neither of my brothers has children so they are freer to be with her, but outside help would so much ease our suffering and the strain.What has helped me is trying to tell myself amid all the guilt that I have to think of the welfare of my husband and child and my own health. To read this sounds awful, but I know exactly how you feel, and the ONLY way to survive is to be assertive. You are right you have your family and they are your priority to a degree.Call the GP and ask to speak to him/her, they may even be prepared to send a District Nurse in.IMO I think it is a case of tough love for you now as she is just gonna waste away to nothing or fall ill because of ? She would refuse help with washing or cleaning etc. He is deteriorating really fast and he is still driving a car. 2018. He'd been in the RAF for 35yrs and the institutional regime in a home we think comforted him and felt familiar to him. View all. I typically go over and over everything in my head at night with her- arguing, explaining, apologizing, yelling, crying. My mum refused any help and totally relied on me and my brother, this got worse and worse until my brother was even having to go round every evening to draw the curtains, on top of taking her tea round every night. Fear of what the doctor will say. Don't know where to begin with all this, As my username suggests, I am VERY TIRED and frustrated with this situationTo start, I'm not a "mum" but a son with an 86 y.o. She wouldn't go out, has never been here to visit me or dh or dd. I think of it as leaving a child alone in the house e.g. We did black economy with some of the people who she would leave in just left a brown envelope in the porch for them We had to be really mean and tell them that they smelt of urine/BO whatever and here are the clothes go wash and change and let me help--it was awful--And now I can see my Mum denying her age and ability and doing stupid things, standing on the kitchen table to change a light bulb at 11 am when we are there at 12.30. Article in Sunday Times today by Indira Knight saying that there is not much help for the elderly. If youre concerned your elderly loved one needs professional care, or if youre worried about potential abuse or caregiver negligence, nursing home injury lawyer Brent Wieand can help you start exploring your legal options. Ten women to every man, a black market in Viagra, and a 'thriving swingers scene': Welcome to The Villages, Florida, where the elderly residents down Sex She won't see her Dr,thankfully she doesn't have any ailments as such nor is she on any medication, & heaven knows how i am going to get the Social Services assessors in through her front door when they turn up. Your mother is 80, incontinent, possibly demented, has problems walking, and you dont want her in a nursing home, most likely because YOU are not ready for her to have entered this stage in her life.Life sometimes deals cruel blows. If you do not have consent. Lady, can you tell us why having your mum move into a home is unthinkable? To come to the good bit of the story - after six weeks there she had improved so much she was unrecognisable. Time and again, their children will try to make them understand a different perspective, but they continue to fail to see their own culpability. He thinks he can go back to how he was managing his life at home using his push trolley. It's not at a critical stage yet, but one can see it looming on the horizon.I've also watched a very dear friend struggle with her MIL, where anything suggested was poo-pooed and it caused an almighty disruption in the family. Perhaps on a visit you notice that your loved one has lost weight, or seems forgetful or My mother was dreadful regarding having help. I moved into my parents' spare room in 2010 - Doctor was happily married to all appearances, an elder in his church, and a devoted family man. The intensity of the elderly persons illness or dementia. DH's gran is 97, still in her own home despite at least one stroke and a catastrophic water tank failure that took 6 months to dry out. She says she's fine and wants to go home.I suppose the question is, will the hospital have to listen to her wishes and send her home if she insists? Discuss options ahead of time and make sure youre on the same page. She has a carer for half an hour twice a day. On the rare occasion things go this far without agreement, the court has the power to grant or refuse the request of you or the practitioner if it thinks this is the right thing to do. We have POA (which is registered) but my MIL is adamant that she won't go into a home so, until she is actually unsafe (not too far from that now), we can't make her. So that's one achievement. Many people witnessed the backstory. If the patient refuses to allow disclosure, the health professional can take advice from colleagues within the practice, or from a professional, regulatory or defence body, in order to decide whether a disclosure without consent is justified to protect the patient or another person. Her door keys are inside so carer (who knows the code) will ring bell and open the door within a minute or two and walk in. She is also very nasty with my sister and me. We recently had her gas hob cut off, for example, as she had attempted to boil a plastic kettle on top of it. Feel they are too busy. Here, in this provocative and heartbreaking plea, he This sort of behaviour was all in place a long time before the demenia started. We (I have a brother and sister) even had a nurse and I believe a mental health pro come to the house to interview her and like always she convinces them that everything's hunky-doryseems like a dual personality; when my sis or anyone else(don't get any visitors at all) come over she's in normal modeshe's talkative and alert and moves around with ease.
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